In a recent conversation, it was suggested that this was something that was damn near impossible. In a sense, I agree wholeheartedly. My love affair with blogging started with a buddy on mine that I’ve actually never met. {If you’re reading, stop snickering} I started to write to process feelings that my at-the-time partner wasn’t really in to sharing. I felt like I needed to let someone, anyone know what I thought.

After a good deal of time, I became more and more comfortable. Shared more and more. And then–because he should really be an FBI agent or a US Marshal–he found me. Now he demanded to know about this and that. Never once asked me how I felt. It’s always about what he needs to know. That was then. Things since have changed some. Honestly, the whole concept of the internet fascinates me.

After months of listening to how he’s changed alternating with how he’s not judgmental I was almost hoping for it to be true. The reality is that if anything you are more judgmental than ever. You also sell me short. Believe me, I know your natural propensity for lurking and “needing to know.” Believe you me, if I put it out there it was with the hope that you would lurk long enough to see, read or listen to whatever it was that needed to be said, heard or seen. The pain is also removed from being put on blast if you do it yourself.

Sometimes the greatest failure of man is to recognize the opportunity to help his fellow man. Before you get started, we are not talking about past help. We are talking about the ability to help no matter what. Your ability is governed by your mood and temperment. You get pissed, you get unhelpful quick. Work on that for your new girlfriend. I have and would still help if someone needed it. But hey, that’s just me.

I have a list of things that I want you to know.
1. As much as you think I don’t know about what you do, I do. You have the inside track, but believe I’m coming up on your right.

2. Think about your son and your role as his father NOT what I’m doing as a mother. Please note: this would be an ideal opportunity to put you on blast but I’m better than that.

3. Now that I know you are watching with such interest, I will perform to my fullest. Same people who claim they don’t eat meat, like MickeyD’s. I’m lovin it.

4. You said, “You got what you deserved.” OK, but remember that your “what you deserve” for a whole lot of things is right around the corner.

5. The most important thing you need to take from this is that while you think I lack foresight and purpose, if you saw it it was because I wanted you too. That goes for everything. The past 30 days was an opportunity to showcase the “new You.” Yeah, your girlfriends are lucky beyond belief.

Oh yeah, call your son he asked about you.

    Writer’s Note:  The post was written after I attended the wedding of an in-law.  I never posted it, until now because I am more comfortable doing so.  It’s also important to note that the original title of this post also included “…or Why are they even together?”  I’m not sure why its important but I know that it is.  This happens to Stillcity more than she would like, but it is what it is. 

      So, unless you are a first-timer,  an OM virgin if you will, you know that relationships and their intricacies happen to fascinate the newly single again Stillcity.   This is the case not so much for the who but the why and the how.  Several things fascinate me.  Let’s start with the why.  Human coupling is one of the great scientific mysteries.  What draws one to another?  More interestingly, why do some people stay where they aren’t wanted and still others leave where they are loved? This is perhaps one of the most fascinating things in the world to me.  Hell if I know.

In fact, relationships appear to defy the logical order of the universe. For the most part, men are hunter-gatherers. Now that there is no need to stalk prey for food, they partner. The same ritual that applies to the stalking of prey is now applied to meeting, getting and in some cases retaining a partner. Women tend to be caregivers and nurturers, some of us are die hard optimists. This may, in part, account for why women tend to be they people who stay or overstay.

     I recently attended a wedding.  Her first marraige his third. Between them they have a total of six daughters.  The gender is significant, tell you why later.   I noticed several things immediately.  I know the groom, so imagine my dismay when we walked through the dining area to a beautifully decorated outdoor area.   Her idea I am sure. Beautifully complete with the tulle draped gazebo and fresh flowers.  I also noticed the buzzing relatives and the plethora of sweat on his forehead.  He will later tell me that this is related to the temperature and nothing more.  Mr. “Justice-of-the-Peace” is actually having a full-blown wedding.  I immediately also noticed that it was unseasonably warm for a September day.  One thought struck me immediately.  Wow, my womanizing would be nephew really loves this girl.  How can I tell?  It was the fresh flowers and the lavender tulle.  Two things in the world he probably could live without forever.     Now,  at every wedding you have naysayers.  I am not going to spend any time on them because they irritate me.  Just be happy.  You don’t HAVE to stare at a train wreck,  you are free to look away.

     Since my divorce there is a general pall over the whole wedding thing for me.   I love to attend them and have been in one or two.   It’s not that I don”t like them, I just feel that the real work comes after and some people aren’t willing to do it.  Being brutally truthful with myself, it also takes me back to when someone promised me the very same things.  I think that people love, honor and cherish as long as it works for them, or until they can’t hide the fact that they can’t do it anymore.   Having recently been given the “for the greater good” speech, about why my partner was moving on, I can tell you that women will hope for men to change and men hope for the diametrical opposite  

I have a job the requires that I be observant and insightful. I’ve indicated in several posts how this actually filters into real life with some success and other times with some confusion.  Sometimes a wedding is just a wedding.  Two people tying the knot.  Maybe I don’t want to see the other stuff, but hey there it is.  I also noticed that they made a point to say how much each loved the other’s parent.  The bride has no brothers,  the groom has no sisters.  It was probbably the most inclusive wedding I have ever been too.  But for most of it, I felt like an outsider.  Watching my son’s dad with his family.  I was included by grace.  He is not the marrying kind or the wedding kind and commented several times about how nice the place was but why spend all that money for a third wedding?  I reminded him that the bride had never been married before.  He said “so what’s your point?”  Yep.  It was really apparent that the issues I had been downplaying were growing in size.  Never danced at the wedding.  Open bar though. 

In the end, its probably best to appreciate the time you had, mourn your loss and then move on to the next big thing that awaits you. Good or bad. Bright or dark. Better or worse. I’m going to just sit my chair next to the open bar.

“…and that’s all it will ever be.”  This was the response when I mused about the nature of male/female relationships and the related difficulties, joys, quagmires and peaks to a male friend of mine.  He explained to me that there are key points to remember about relationships.  It was at this very moment that several things occurred to me.

     The first and probably single most important thing that I realized is that I have stupendous friends.  My friends as a collective are not wealthy, but they’ve made me rich.  The reality is that there were times when, had I not known them, my life and situation may have taken another path.  The single most important trait of my friends is their commitment to saying the tough stuff–the shit you know deep down to be true but just don’t want to hear.

     Such is the case when I explained my current situation.  I’m going to be discreet for fear of prying eyes.  I will however direct your attention to the bottom portion of this post for some insight.  Oh what the hell, it appears everyone else has the inside track on me anyway–except me. 

     It seems that the new guy is unhappy with the amount of time that I have to spend.  The reality is that he wants me to change things; things that for the most part I don’t have the power to change.  So, that leaves me where I stand now.  Single. I must admit that when you haven’t been single for a long time, its a scary thought–or a welcome change, depends entirely on your perspective.  Dating is scary enough.  Trying to keep one step ahead of the playas, the hustlers, the stalkers and the liars is nearly imposiible.  All this while trying to be fair, open, honest and warm.  Damn it, it’s a jungle. Well, I think I’m gonna take a minute before I start swinging from the vine.

All of this makes me think of all those Disney movies. Every Disney movie opens with or includes some tragic event. Don’t believe me? The Lion King, Sleeping Beauty and the guiltiest of them all…BAMBI. There is a common thread in all those movies. The characters do what they have to do and things turn out OK. Let’s hope it works the same for me.

As I sit on the NJ Transit train home, I’m listening to Death Cab for Cutie’s “I Will Possess Your Heart” at a decibel level set to make a mere mortal’s eardrums bleed as to drown out the incessant mumbling madness of the doucherag sitting immediately behind me.

Maybe his annoying me is karmic retribution for my study of my NJ Transit co-rider with her oddly-shaped head. Maybe it’s luck of the draw. Maybe it’s fate.

Maybe, as my grandmother oft said, “it just be’s that way sometimes.”

Take as a for example this video clip of an elderly gentleman in Hartford who was clipped by one car and then hit with full force by the trailing chase car. (Story link here for the video-challenged.)

The commentators talk about the lack of help provided by bystanders. It’s a full minute plus before police arrive, and though that’s where the clip ends, we assume that the police attended to the man.

The newscasters proceed to berate the people of Hartford for the lack of caring — they go on in dismay about how no one rushed to the elderly man’s aid.

But I’m not so quick to rush to judgment on the seemingly lackadaisical attitude of the witnesses and bystanders. Here’s why.

(more…)

I apologize in advance for putting this here.  It is a hideout blog, if you will.  Most of my family know and read my blogs on myspace, and this one is more for me than anyone else.  I know I haven’t blogged here in a very long time, but I had to put some thoughts down before I cried myself into oblivion.  

I have already said many times in many ways that I write to vent my frustrations. I write to think things out mentally and emotionally. I write as a form of release. I have been wanting to write about my son’s passing away, but everytime I try……..I cry. I have come to many realizations since my son died the most prominent being I can not heal from this. I have tried to cry away the pain. I have tried to drink away the pain. I have tried being angry and lashing out. I have tried being quiet. The pain is here and it will not heal. It will never heal. The only healing would be to bring my baby back to me but that is not going to happen so I have to be real with myself.

Another realization I have come upon is that I am truly not the only one. Sadly this realization does not take away the pain or the hurt that I feel, but it brings a sort of morbid sense of tranquility. As I rage inside because my child was only 13 years old and because his death was so sudden, I realize that there are children overseas fighting a senseless war, and some of them are returning to their parents and loved ones wrapped in the country’s colors and not holding those colors in their hands. I am not the only parent that has lost a child. That realization goes with the realization and comforting thought that I was blessed to have my Joe-Joe for as long as I did. The reality is that Joe-Joe should have died at 3 months old and again at 5 years old and again at 7 and 10 years old. My son has fought every medical obstacle that was thrown at him. He has fought meningitis and a coma for the first three months of his life which could have should have would have killed him, but for the grace of God. He fought a collapsed lung at age 5 and another long stay in intensive care. Again his life was on the line but he fought to stay alive. So the reality is although I am not the only parent to lose a child suddenly, I have had my son longer than I should have because he fought to be here.

(more…)