Domestic Violence

Last Thursday I left my phone in my office on the charger and went into my conference room for a meeting. The repetitive chirping of a dying cell phone gnaws in my craw so bad that I could punch a baby sometimes. This was one of those days.

I hear my phone go off about a thousand times. Then I hear my desk phone ringing. Then my cell phone again. It’s my wife. She tells me that she has been trying to get in contact with her girlfriend Angie for three days, but can’t find her. She said she called her at work and they told her that she is a no call no show for three days as well. This is very unusual because Angie has NEVER missed a day of work in the years that I’ve known her. Angie’s cell phone was shut off. The only time Angie shuts her cell phone off is when her ex-boyfriend is stalking her. This fool will call her and hang up constantly until he wears her battery down, so she calls her cell phone company and temporarily disconnects it until he calms down.

My wife called her cousin Tameka and asked her to stop by Angie’s house on her way home.

Tameka called my wife back from a payphone in the neighborhood and said,

Tameka: I pulled up in front of Angie’s house and saw her car in the driveway. As I approached the side door her ex-boyfriend came out and said, “She ain’t here!” before i could say a word. I tried to play it off but he was looking at me all crazy and sh!t.

Mrs-Rah: Did you ask him where she was?

Tameka: No because you should have seen the look on his face. I was scared.

[color=red]This is the part that pissed me the f#ck off….[/color]

Mrs-Rah: Do you want [b]ME[/b] to meet you over there?

Tameka: Uuuuh I don’t know if I should go home or….I mean I got my son with me and…… I… I just don’t know what to do.

Mrs-Rah: Where are you?

Tameka: At a pay phone.

Mrs.-Rah: I’ll just meet you at your house and keep trying to reach Abdur.

My wife called me on the three-way on her new cell phone and didn’t hang up so I got this entire convo on my voice mail.

The thought of these two knuckleheads going over there before they got in contact with me is stupid beyond my imagination. But that’s another story.

I call her back and by the time she finished her little recap i have my coat on and my keys in my hand.

As I’m going over there I put a call into the proper street authorities and tell the dispatch to deploy some unites and meet me over there. Unite are on there way and dispatch himself is in route, but he has to get dressed first. Mr. Grimes is the dispatch.

I get there first and there is no car in the driveway. She has a three-bedroom bungalow with hood bars on the front and side doors. The steel bared doors have deadbolts that need keys on both sides of the lock to get in or out. I pull up in the driveway and approach the side door. I pound on the bars. I hear somebody in the house. I see the blinds on the side door lift slightly and the side door snatches open and I see the barely recognizable face of my wife’s girlfriend. Her face is swollen and bruised her lips are split her hair looks like somebody has had a double fist lock on it for days at a time. She is trembling and fresh tears start to pour out of her swollen eyes. She reaches to me through the bars and instinctively I take a step toward her to help relieve some of her shock and tell her it is all right now. This look of helpless terror is one I’ve seen only once before on a woman. If I live the rest of my life without seeing it again it would be just fine with me.

Tameka: He said he’s coming right back. I’m locked in. Rah please help me and my baby get out of here.

She starts pressing her head against the bars and straining to look down her driveway.

A-Rah: You don’t have to worry about him sweetie. Meet me at your bedroom window.

She started to walk up the landing into the kitchen, but when her head turned away from me she froze and looked back at me.

A-Rah: Everything’s OK now, Hon. Go ahead. I’m going to get you out of here, K?

Tameka: k

She disappeared into the kitchen.

I walked around the back of the house and popped the bottom sash out of the window. No sooner did I lay it down on the ground up against the house was she raising the blinds up. I saw her two year old daughter who looked shell shocked and scared. She had met me before under more pleasant circumstances, but I could only imagine what thoughts were going through this little girls head to see me taking out the window after what she had witnessed during the past few days. I smiled at her and tried to make my voice sound as friendly as I could. Admittedly I don’t have much practice at friendly speak and she ran in the next room. Tameka grabbed her and handed her to me. She was screaming as I held her tight to my chest against her will. I turned to the side and supported her mother’s leg as she slid out of the window into my other arm and onto her feet.

I heard the sound of a car engine echoing between the houses and knew that someone was pulling into the driveway behind my car. Tameka quickly covered her mouth to keep from screaming. I shushed her I handed Tameka the baby and told her to turn and walk around the house the other way and wait and NOT to look back. I pulled out my negotiating tool and checked my blind spot around the corner of the house I knew that the baby crying would blow her position so I had better meet him first and quickly.

It was the local street authorities. They jumped out the truck and the officer in charge asked,

Officer nutcase: Where is this b!tch ass n at, Deuce?

A-Rah: Take it easy, man. Old girl is on the other side of the house and she has her daughter with her. Don’t spook her any more than she already is.

He starts whispering

Officer nutcase: Sorry Deuce, where is this b!tch ass n at?

A-Rah: He ain’t here yet lay low while I drop her off. Look for a black @$##%#%$ car with a brown skinned chunky fool in it. If he comes back get the keys and bring him in the house and start talking to him. Call me when you get him. I’ll be right back.

Officer nutcase: That’s a bet.

They got back in the truck and backed up and parked a few houses down.

I put Tameka and the baby in the car and called my wife and told her to meet me in the Eastland mall parking lot in front of Sears. While we were driving she told me that it started Saturday night when her ex called for a booty call and she told him no. He started blowing up her phone like usual. She had her phone cut off. Tuesday morning she was coming out of her house on her way to take the baby to the sitter and go to work. She opened the door and her ex came from around the back of the house and bum rushed her. He beat and tortured her for three days. Her job kept calling her and he tried to make her answer it and tell them that everything is OK, but she didn’t because she wanted somebody to worry about her and call the police. He smashed her phones. She told me that she thinks that somebody came to the house because he got spooked but tried to play it off and left, but said that he would be right back. I pulled up in the mall parking lot and we waited on my wife and Angie.

They pulled up and she jumped out the car and they all ran to each other crying like the end of the Color Purple when Nettie came back from Africa with the kids. I half expected them to stop a few feet away and start playing patty cake. I told her to take her to our house until I square some things away. Don’t do ANTHING until you hear from me. On my way back to the house I called the local street authorities and they said they hadn’t seen him yet. He told me that Bruce would be there in a minute. Just then Bruce called me on the other line.

Bruce: What up doe, Deuce?

A-Rah: What up man. You finally on your way huh, grandpaw?

Bruce: Ha ha f#ck you! They over there ain’t they? Well all right then.

A-Rah: Ha ha Hell. I’m talking about your old ass.

We laughed for a minute.

Bruce: For real though Deuce…I don’t think it’s a good Idea to get mixed up in these domestic situations, Deuce.

A-Rah: I know.

Bruce: I mean you’re going get this fool f#cked up or chopped up. And this chick might turn on you. That love is a hell of a thing, man. You don’t want to get involved in that sh!t.

A-Rah: I know.

Bruce: I mean she has got to much in her favor. Two counts of kidnapping for her and the baby. Every phone he smashed is a whole nother level of felony count. And carjacking. She should probably go to the police and get it taken care of.

A-Rah: I know. You’re right, Man. Alright let me call my wife and have her take her to the hospital and go to the police.

Bruce: F#ck that, Deuce. I’m here now. Lets do this b!tch!

A-Rah:… What the f#ck Bruce? Did you have that speech written down in your wallet or what? Is that mandatory thug protocol or some sh!t? Next time somebody owes you money are you going to kick their door in and say “This is an attempt at collecting a debt. Any information gained will be used to collect said debt.”

We laughed and I pulled up to Tameka’s house. I pulled my car into the back yard, got in Bruce’s truck and waited.

We waited an hour or so and he didn’t show.

Bruce: Most likely he got spooked when her cousin came over and he knew it was a matter of time before somebody showed.

A-Rah: You’re probably right.

I called my wife and told her to take her to the hospital and fill out a police report.

He’s still at large.

Update 7/17/08

They’re having another baby. My wife said they are talking about getting married in November.

In a recent conversation, it was suggested that this was something that was damn near impossible. In a sense, I agree wholeheartedly. My love affair with blogging started with a buddy on mine that I’ve actually never met. {If you’re reading, stop snickering} I started to write to process feelings that my at-the-time partner wasn’t really in to sharing. I felt like I needed to let someone, anyone know what I thought.

After a good deal of time, I became more and more comfortable. Shared more and more. And then–because he should really be an FBI agent or a US Marshal–he found me. Now he demanded to know about this and that. Never once asked me how I felt. It’s always about what he needs to know. That was then. Things since have changed some. Honestly, the whole concept of the internet fascinates me.

After months of listening to how he’s changed alternating with how he’s not judgmental I was almost hoping for it to be true. The reality is that if anything you are more judgmental than ever. You also sell me short. Believe me, I know your natural propensity for lurking and “needing to know.” Believe you me, if I put it out there it was with the hope that you would lurk long enough to see, read or listen to whatever it was that needed to be said, heard or seen. The pain is also removed from being put on blast if you do it yourself.

Sometimes the greatest failure of man is to recognize the opportunity to help his fellow man. Before you get started, we are not talking about past help. We are talking about the ability to help no matter what. Your ability is governed by your mood and temperment. You get pissed, you get unhelpful quick. Work on that for your new girlfriend. I have and would still help if someone needed it. But hey, that’s just me.

I have a list of things that I want you to know.
1. As much as you think I don’t know about what you do, I do. You have the inside track, but believe I’m coming up on your right.

2. Think about your son and your role as his father NOT what I’m doing as a mother. Please note: this would be an ideal opportunity to put you on blast but I’m better than that.

3. Now that I know you are watching with such interest, I will perform to my fullest. Same people who claim they don’t eat meat, like MickeyD’s. I’m lovin it.

4. You said, “You got what you deserved.” OK, but remember that your “what you deserve” for a whole lot of things is right around the corner.

5. The most important thing you need to take from this is that while you think I lack foresight and purpose, if you saw it it was because I wanted you too. That goes for everything. The past 30 days was an opportunity to showcase the “new You.” Yeah, your girlfriends are lucky beyond belief.

Oh yeah, call your son he asked about you.

    Writer’s Note:  The post was written after I attended the wedding of an in-law.  I never posted it, until now because I am more comfortable doing so.  It’s also important to note that the original title of this post also included “…or Why are they even together?”  I’m not sure why its important but I know that it is.  This happens to Stillcity more than she would like, but it is what it is. 

      So, unless you are a first-timer,  an OM virgin if you will, you know that relationships and their intricacies happen to fascinate the newly single again Stillcity.   This is the case not so much for the who but the why and the how.  Several things fascinate me.  Let’s start with the why.  Human coupling is one of the great scientific mysteries.  What draws one to another?  More interestingly, why do some people stay where they aren’t wanted and still others leave where they are loved? This is perhaps one of the most fascinating things in the world to me.  Hell if I know.

In fact, relationships appear to defy the logical order of the universe. For the most part, men are hunter-gatherers. Now that there is no need to stalk prey for food, they partner. The same ritual that applies to the stalking of prey is now applied to meeting, getting and in some cases retaining a partner. Women tend to be caregivers and nurturers, some of us are die hard optimists. This may, in part, account for why women tend to be they people who stay or overstay.

     I recently attended a wedding.  Her first marraige his third. Between them they have a total of six daughters.  The gender is significant, tell you why later.   I noticed several things immediately.  I know the groom, so imagine my dismay when we walked through the dining area to a beautifully decorated outdoor area.   Her idea I am sure. Beautifully complete with the tulle draped gazebo and fresh flowers.  I also noticed the buzzing relatives and the plethora of sweat on his forehead.  He will later tell me that this is related to the temperature and nothing more.  Mr. “Justice-of-the-Peace” is actually having a full-blown wedding.  I immediately also noticed that it was unseasonably warm for a September day.  One thought struck me immediately.  Wow, my womanizing would be nephew really loves this girl.  How can I tell?  It was the fresh flowers and the lavender tulle.  Two things in the world he probably could live without forever.     Now,  at every wedding you have naysayers.  I am not going to spend any time on them because they irritate me.  Just be happy.  You don’t HAVE to stare at a train wreck,  you are free to look away.

     Since my divorce there is a general pall over the whole wedding thing for me.   I love to attend them and have been in one or two.   It’s not that I don”t like them, I just feel that the real work comes after and some people aren’t willing to do it.  Being brutally truthful with myself, it also takes me back to when someone promised me the very same things.  I think that people love, honor and cherish as long as it works for them, or until they can’t hide the fact that they can’t do it anymore.   Having recently been given the “for the greater good” speech, about why my partner was moving on, I can tell you that women will hope for men to change and men hope for the diametrical opposite  

I have a job the requires that I be observant and insightful. I’ve indicated in several posts how this actually filters into real life with some success and other times with some confusion.  Sometimes a wedding is just a wedding.  Two people tying the knot.  Maybe I don’t want to see the other stuff, but hey there it is.  I also noticed that they made a point to say how much each loved the other’s parent.  The bride has no brothers,  the groom has no sisters.  It was probbably the most inclusive wedding I have ever been too.  But for most of it, I felt like an outsider.  Watching my son’s dad with his family.  I was included by grace.  He is not the marrying kind or the wedding kind and commented several times about how nice the place was but why spend all that money for a third wedding?  I reminded him that the bride had never been married before.  He said “so what’s your point?”  Yep.  It was really apparent that the issues I had been downplaying were growing in size.  Never danced at the wedding.  Open bar though. 

In the end, its probably best to appreciate the time you had, mourn your loss and then move on to the next big thing that awaits you. Good or bad. Bright or dark. Better or worse. I’m going to just sit my chair next to the open bar.

“…and that’s all it will ever be.”  This was the response when I mused about the nature of male/female relationships and the related difficulties, joys, quagmires and peaks to a male friend of mine.  He explained to me that there are key points to remember about relationships.  It was at this very moment that several things occurred to me.

     The first and probably single most important thing that I realized is that I have stupendous friends.  My friends as a collective are not wealthy, but they’ve made me rich.  The reality is that there were times when, had I not known them, my life and situation may have taken another path.  The single most important trait of my friends is their commitment to saying the tough stuff–the shit you know deep down to be true but just don’t want to hear.

     Such is the case when I explained my current situation.  I’m going to be discreet for fear of prying eyes.  I will however direct your attention to the bottom portion of this post for some insight.  Oh what the hell, it appears everyone else has the inside track on me anyway–except me. 

     It seems that the new guy is unhappy with the amount of time that I have to spend.  The reality is that he wants me to change things; things that for the most part I don’t have the power to change.  So, that leaves me where I stand now.  Single. I must admit that when you haven’t been single for a long time, its a scary thought–or a welcome change, depends entirely on your perspective.  Dating is scary enough.  Trying to keep one step ahead of the playas, the hustlers, the stalkers and the liars is nearly imposiible.  All this while trying to be fair, open, honest and warm.  Damn it, it’s a jungle. Well, I think I’m gonna take a minute before I start swinging from the vine.

All of this makes me think of all those Disney movies. Every Disney movie opens with or includes some tragic event. Don’t believe me? The Lion King, Sleeping Beauty and the guiltiest of them all…BAMBI. There is a common thread in all those movies. The characters do what they have to do and things turn out OK. Let’s hope it works the same for me.

As I sit on the NJ Transit train home, I’m listening to Death Cab for Cutie’s “I Will Possess Your Heart” at a decibel level set to make a mere mortal’s eardrums bleed as to drown out the incessant mumbling madness of the doucherag sitting immediately behind me.

Maybe his annoying me is karmic retribution for my study of my NJ Transit co-rider with her oddly-shaped head. Maybe it’s luck of the draw. Maybe it’s fate.

Maybe, as my grandmother oft said, “it just be’s that way sometimes.”

Take as a for example this video clip of an elderly gentleman in Hartford who was clipped by one car and then hit with full force by the trailing chase car. (Story link here for the video-challenged.)

The commentators talk about the lack of help provided by bystanders. It’s a full minute plus before police arrive, and though that’s where the clip ends, we assume that the police attended to the man.

The newscasters proceed to berate the people of Hartford for the lack of caring — they go on in dismay about how no one rushed to the elderly man’s aid.

But I’m not so quick to rush to judgment on the seemingly lackadaisical attitude of the witnesses and bystanders. Here’s why.

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